Course
by Sadistic Spirit
Summary: He looked at her as if she held his faith in her hands. It might have been an exaggeration-or maybe she was just seeing the reflection of her eyes in his. AU; Kaneki goes back to Anteiku that night. Touken, slow burn
1. prologue

My first Tokyo Ghoul fanfic. I've tried to add my own twist on it, might be good or utterly horrible, but do tell me whether it works or not. One-shot though, depending on the feedback which will be much appreciated.

Au: Kaneki goes back to Anteiku.

* * *

"If you work in the shop like that, you'll stand out a lot"

Her words hang in the air, lingering in the thick silence that bangs at her ear, deafeningly loud.

Even with the occasion bang and the cluster of explosive sounds reverberating around where they stand, there is just this unknown silence. As if the entire world has stopped in anticipation. They saved Kaneki- or rather he had saved her- and an unasked question remains in her mind.

Now what? Because she isn't naive enough to think that things would remain the same. It was in the way he held himself, the delicate and ironically, the unnatural way he had walked and fought.

Yomo-san moved ahead to find the Manager all the while Uta sits further away from their group. Occasionally, He glances up at them, playing the role of a silent observer.

Kaneki looks up, his eyes are narrowed, not in anger, but just tired, musky and then he smiles, and her heart breaks into little tiny pieces. Because he's beautiful and tragic and strong and it hurts to realize how much he has changed in just fifteen days.

They were so so late.

They failed

And he had to suffer and suffer. Because of their incompetence

"I-" he pauses for a moment, considering his words." I'm not going back to Anteiku"

Until he didn't need her and Anteiku anymore.

There's the silence again.. A moment to let his words sink into her conscience. And her mind thrusts itself in a robotic mood "There are things I want to do. For that.."She can hear him speak under the screaming of her mind, but can't make sense of them, Just the sick realization that she is going to lose him too.

She sees Banjou ask Kaneki to let him help in whatever way he can. He says he'll be Kaneki's shield and Kaneki lets him join his.. team. He's leaving. He's so sure of his wonders if he'd let her join, her lips part, but she stops. He won't. Something screams that he'd brush her he'd leave her alone.

So instead, a simple question makes it through her state of shock, pure disbelief and wide eyes.

"Why?"

A flicker of surprise runs through his eyes, his hunted and murky eyes, before it dissolves back into nothingness. She sees the shitty Gourmet walk towards them and stare at her curiously. But it doesn't matter, no nothing matters when she hears Kaneki voice " I want to protect everyone" He says just loud enough for her to hear.

_"I won't" leave you alone_.

His hands on her skin were cold, despite the strange comfort she was feeling. He was alive. Lifting her up as if she were a princess of some childish fairy tale.

There is a part of her mind constantly screaming about the unfairness of this entire situation. That she doesn't need protection and who would he protect them from? While the other tries to conjure up whatever sane thought it can to find just one, one freaking way to stop him, because that's what he said he'd do and that's what she will do instead. She won't leave him alone.

"Then do it"

Nishiki gasps, his eyes a little wide and the others wait in anticipation-No- he waits for her." Protect us" Kaneki stares at her, this time not being able to hide his surprise and she stares right back at him. There is the never leaving silence again.

She's too tired to deny his reason and too afraid of the fact that he'll leave regardless how much she'll try to convince him otherwise. But, Touka isn't going to give up. She'll checkmate him in his own game and he'll come back to Anteiku. She'll make sure of it.

"I will" he responds firmly.

"By abandoning us?"

That cuts through whatever justification Kaneki thought. His face twists in a series of different emotions and she wonders whether she hit a little too close to home. "No!" His voice is urgent, desperate and loud, and she stiffens.

Kaneki looks down, closing his eyes before he speaks again. This time it's much softer." Aogiri needs to be stopped. I have to stop them" At this moment, their speculators leave by an effort from Nishiki and for a moment, a tiny little moment she's grateful to that four eye bastard.

"How will that help us?" She whispers. He averts his eyes from hers.

"What do you want me to do?" She barely hears it. He's so tired, so hopelessly lost and alone and powerless and yet everything that would say otherwise.

She thinks of the boy, that she had been so sure died, and how he had been on his knees and scared of her when she took a life and so so innocent and then she sees him and from the sound of his voice, the same desperateness , just a lot quieter, and she knows that maybe, maybe that boy is still somewhere there. She sees a chance and takes a deep breath. " Let's just go back.." She says and can hear his fists clenching afterwards. She curses in her mind, too quick. That's not the answer he was looking for. He looks like he might explode and she's scared. By him.

So she searches for something.

"Why can't you protect us and still be by our side? Do you really have to be alone?"

He looks at her, she wonders whether he had even considered something so simple." A choice?" He says." There are no two options" his voice is deprived of emotions as of he's reciting something he has believed in his entire life." To choose" his voice crakes here." Both is to loss both"

"What kind of shitty logic is that?"

His eyes widen. " I," she stops. Unsure of how to continue." I have been living my life for the past few years with the third option. Haven't you been doing the same since you became a ghoul?"

"He" Kaneki grits his teeth." I was wrong."

_He_?

"Then am I wrong too?" She says bitterly " To be living a life pretending to be a human while being a ghoul? To choose the third option rather than tormenting humans or completely hiding from that?"

"Touka-"

"Are you an idiot or something?" She cuts him off. He closes his eyes, frowning. "That logic doesn't apply to every single situation except some shitty and exceptional ones. It's ironic for you to think like that"

She swallows " if you think like that, then no matter how, how many times life gives you a bundle of options, you'd only see just two."

At this point, she walks towards him. An arms length away and places a finger on his right eye which snaps open. There's shock and fear, and his skin is so smooth underneath her fingers and he doesn't move, so she wonders if he's doing that intentionally or is simply believing that he can't. "You, who are the third option." She says and hopes against hope that it comes off gently." Before you, there was only human or ghoul. You, who are a ghoul" Her other hand shots up to touch that eye which is always hidden behind his mask, " You, who are a human"

He shakes his head, biting his lower lip till there's a steady line of blood dripping on his chin. " I," he stammers " I am a ghoul."

"Are you?"

She can feel him shaking under her skin and she drops her hands to her side before slowing taking his hand in hers. "Kaneki" she says and realizes how desperate it sounds. She sounds. . " Please.. Don't.. Make yourself suffer anymore than you already have". It's plea, a _patheticpathetic_ one because she needs him to stay just as much as he needs to. Too many people have already left. She failed him once and she won't fail him twice.

He opens his mouth and closes it, and does this again until finally he nods once then twice and then again.

He's still quivering " Touka.." he says. His voice breaking little by little. And she tightens her grip around his hand until they're just as warm as hers. She looks around and spots the Manager and gives him a brief nod."Kaneki" he looks so defeated, conflicted as if in a constant dilemma." It's okay" she whispers and for once in her life, she knows that she just might be right...


	2. Professional

**Updated: **Grammar checked and revised.

_Professional_

* * *

The ride back to Anteiku is one of the most awkward ones she ever has had the pleasure of taking. They, the Gourmet and the four ghouls who tagged along with them were spilt up into two cars And though, she succeeds in her attempt to stay close to him, he hasn't even for a moment acknowledged her presence.

Even when they do reach the cafe, the awkwardness between them is still there like the mushiest taste of human food at the back of her throat.

The cafe is completely drenched in the sweet hot aroma of delicious coffee, a very enthusiastic Komo and Nishiki's (human) girlfriend and Entering it, freed them of the tense atmosphere that they took along with Kaneki from the Aogiri base. She thinks that because she can instantly feel her shoulders relaxing, even though they still hurt, her stiff body slowly loosening itself up because they are at home.

She wonders if he thinks like that too.

He gives what seems like his most genuine smile at the sight of the shop and goes upstairs to change from those awfully smelling, torn up cloths, the moment the initial greeting and exchange of words is over. The gourmet is, politely, asked to leave by the manager and Uta gives them a goodbye wave, before leaving the shop as well.

Everyone else, then, tucks into the sits or sofas, a blanket over their shoulders as they wait for Kaneki to return.

Between his absence, the week hearted ghouls (Hinami and Banjou) and Kimi (the human) cry and mourn over the boy they had first met.

"What happened?" She whispers, voicing the thoughts of most present in the room.

"I don't really know" Banjou replies '' Jason forced him to-"

"Not now" Irimi cuts him off. Gentle but commanding and just like that there's no more questioning and answering because moments later, Kaneki walks down the stairs with heavy steps, wearing one of his spare uniforms.

It's not even proper, missing the tie and the vest coat but still, for a moment she's breathless. Her heart's heavy and there's an unsettled restlessness yet relief budding in her chest. She really believed, more than once, that she would never get to see him in that uniform again. She wonders why such a simple thing would be so..so affecting. As if him wearing that uniform made everything go back to normal.

"Kaneki" The Manager says. And ever eye in the room is on them." You should rest for a while."

" I will" he answers looking down for a moment before touching his chin."But I want to stay with everyone for a while"

The Manager nods and At the moment, Komo gets up as Kaneki takes a seat." This moment calls for a coffee" he declares. " My special for free as a treat"

It's silly, she thinks. A cup of coffee for a grand moment, an epic fail of a rescue like this one, is so inadequate. But their not humans and right now having a celebration with guilty pleasure isn't what they all need.

The rest of the night passes, filled with relieved laughs and cheers. It isn't because they are insensitive to the horrors and pain that Kaneki has assuredly seen, but rather it is to make him realize his importance, his irreplaceable to them. To Anteiku. And how his loss would have affected them.

Hopefully, he knew.

Their eyes meet thrice in that night and each time he is the first one to look away after the two stare at each other. Even if everyone else is comfortable around him, the awkwardness has yet to escape the two of them.

_I'm sorry I failed you_

'Every thing will change' She thought back when they were leaving the Aogiri base.

But it wasn't true. It changed the moment Jason took Kaneki from her grasps and stained the Cafe's wall with his blood.

* * *

They haven't spoken much.

The last conversation they have, consisted of Kaneki asking her whether she could handle the extra load of shifts along side with her school work, since he was going to help the shop from the background, like Yomo-san. And her reply vastly different from her usual typical-fashion. Yes, yes she could and that Nishiki has to bare the brunt of his absence too. Just that from her and a soft smile from him.

Days have passed since then.

It has been two weeks since the rescue. And she wonders if he is purposely avoiding her. Because how could two people who work and live (practically for her, Kaneki has yet to go back to his apartment) at the same place don't even exchange a 'hello'? The awkwardness between them has reached a new record, to the point that he would leave the room if she enters and she herself would do the same to save him the trouble.

He is always busy, with a book, with Hinami, with Irimi or Komo or with those three ghouls and Banjou or even that shitty Nishiki. There is no opportunity for her to approach him.

She thinks of the time when talking to him was easy.

It'd be less difficult for her if he is doing this out of spite. She manipulated him, even though it had been for the better. He should have been angry at her for confusing his weak state of mind. But he isn't. In the rare instants where their eyes did meet, she would see nothing but warmth for herself and be presented with A sharp nod or if she is lucky, a soft smile.

This is irksome and aggravating.

She stumbles upon him training. With Komo and Irimi down in the tunnels. Neither of the three is holding back and she's frightened by their show of strength. To think that Komo was right about being feared.

And though she is surprised by how better he has gotten, a part of her feels betrayed. Training meant 'them' they were suppose to train together. To get better together. And shouldn't he help her like how she helped him when she was stronger?

Aren't they a...team? Both different in style, powers and approach, countering each others weaknesses. But she supposes that her thoughts hold no merit.

They are still different though. Just not in a good way.

But If he wants to play that game, she would play it too for sure.

So she leaves him be. It hurts but she isn't going to try anymore, no more embarrassing attempts at conversation and no more lingering in a room and talking a little louder than needed to make him notice her presence.

Because although Kaneki came back, it sure as hell feels like he didn't.

* * *

The evening rush just ended and there is no customer for her to serve and none of her co-workers except Kaneki and the Manager (both of whom are minding their own business and are less than likely to company her) are present in the shop. She is glad to have this peaceful time to herself.

A part of her wants to use this opportunity to study for an upcoming test but she neither she has the strength nor the will to open the textbook and try to make sense of those goddamn words after washing all the dishes. She has to tell the Manager that they are really going to be in a desperate need of a new waiter after she starts cutting her shifts in favor of studying.

Yet, here she is, sitting on the chair behind the reception and softly humming to herself, as she tries to remember the lyrics of the song that Yoriko made her listen to when there's the ring of bells. She sighs mildly annoyed before putting up her professional smile. Though it drops the moment she sees her 'customer'.

"~Yo Touka-chan!"

She can never mistake those dirty blond hair for anyone else."H-Hide"

The man grins at her, his face alight with glee." It's been a while, Touka-chan"

* * *

Sorry for the cliffhanger. This chapter turned out to be rather lengthy, hopefully i didn't drag it as much as I think that I did.

Thanks for all the reviews, favorites and followers! I am really grateful for you guys to give me this chance. Right, one thing to note is that this will closely follow the manga, I will however insert a few moments from the manga. Such as the fight between Touka and Amon during the Aogiri raid. Thank you for reading!


	3. Gratitute

_Gratitude_

* * *

" He's here!"

The blond halts a few steps away from the door and she bits her lips. He is leaving after a little chitchat, with no coffee, and neither of the two had really said what they wanted to say...at least until her mouth decided to move on its own accord. Anteiku showed little or no knowledge of Kaneki's whereabouts to Hide when he came barging down the shop in his own casual way. Just that Kaneki had somewhere to go.

Hide took it well, no matter how unbelievable they all had sounded.

He turns around, one brow raised questionably, his head tilted sideways and she swallows the lump forming in her throat. What am i doing? She thinks before shacking her head and coaxing her fear aside. It's for the best, she knows it. He needs this. Desperately. Immediately.

"Kaneki's upstairs"

She barely notices the relief and concern and the too sincere emotions that she couldn't decrypt before they disintegrate into a casual expression just as fast as they appeared.

"Oi" Hide cries out and despite herself, Touka's lips twitch upward. "He's back from that trip and never bothered to call me?" His lower lip protrudes in to a frivolous pout." He's forgotten about me, Touka-chan! His best friend!"

She chuckles at his childish tantrum and stops short when she realizes that it is the first time she has laughed, in weeks.

" I will just go get him"

No wonder Kaneki valued this human. With his goofy attitude, even the most solemn were forced to smile.

* * *

Kaneki's with Hinami.

She can hear the girls' sound of excitement from the hallway and clearly make out her words standing in front of the door of the room that Kaneki has been occupying. Touka doesn't bother with formalities and marches right in. Hinami beams when she sees her while the white-haired boy averts his gaze and locks it on to the apparently very interesting bookshelf.

"What's gotten you so perky?"

Hinami grins.

"It's a secret between me and Onii-chan"

She gives off an offended look that goes away when Kaneki rises from his seat and lumbers towards the door, eyes glued to the door, and ignores her completely as if she's some sort of furniture placed in front of the entrance, and almost walks right past her.

_Almost_.

Touka grabs his hand, her fingers lacing with his the moment their digits touch.

Hinami glows sideways, and before her eyes can find their way to his face, and before she can become scarlet, she swirls around and says.

"Follow me"

Touka pushes forward, using the gained momentum and Kaneki staggers behind her, eyes widen in surprise.

She doesn't stop to think.

She knows that if she does, her new-found courage will vanish just as fast as it came and she doesn't want to interrupt the steady confidence accumulating in her chest. So she hurries downstairs, fingers aggressively digging in his hand as if he'd run away the moment she loosens her grasp. Before he could come out of his shock and before she could try to _salvage_ the feeling of his cold skin underneath hers.

"Touka-chan" he breaths finally. His voice low and barely audible that sends shivers down her spine.

Touka shoves his voice down at the back of her head. One door apart from their destination she lets go of his arm and she can finally breath." Go on" she mummers.

Kaneki looks at her doubtfully, she averts her gaze before he sighs and complies.

* * *

There's a distinct lack of any sound other than the deafening pumps of three hearts. There is nothing except waiting. _This is it,_ Touka thinks as she hides behind the door and an ear pressed on to its rough surface with quick glances to further amass the current situation. Kaneki's stiff as a board, as if his entire existence is frozen and she can't see his expression only his rigid back and subtly quivering hands.

There's fear. There's only _fear_.

Oh what has she done? How is he going to explain his sudden physical change? His chalky white hair and dark black nails without fully explaining his nature to Hide?What if he does? and what if the human runs? Kaneki would break beyond repair.

Hide can fix him. Or break him. That's not what she had planned. It brings her heart to her mouth. And she looks at him than at Hide than back at him again, intruding openly upon this moment. Her effort to stay as a silent observer forgotten, Until the blond steps towards him

And Hide pats Kaneki on his back.

It's forceful but Kaneki doesn't flinch though its enough to bring him back from his spellbound state." Eh?"

"Don't 'Eh' me, man!" He says, a finger-pointing accusing him." Not a call nor a message! Do you know how worried I had been!" Kaneki looks down, brows knitted and Hide grins. There's dead air hovering between them.

_Come on, come on_

Her eyes meet with brown ones and Hide winks at her before Touka's up and galloping away, leaving the ghoul and human behind. She curses loudly at her cowardliness but can't stop herself from blushing with embarrassment.

* * *

A wild tight-lipped smiling Kaneki appears and He gives her a powerless wave.

"Hi"

It's late and the last person Touka expected was him. She gaps at him aloofly before coming back to her senses." W-What are you doing here?"

He lifts up one hand and scratches his chin." I was just passing by" he quirks out. There's silence and a chilled wind howls around them. Touka crosses her arms and slightly shivers as she feels the breeze on her exposed nape. " Do you want to come in?" She asks nonchalantly.

Kaneki shakes his opens his mouth than shuts his lips tightly before parting them again.

"Hide knows"

Touka can only stare at him, mouth agape with a dumbfounded look plastered on her face." H-how?" She sputters

He glances down "He figured it out, Touka-chan. He knew, he _always _knew" his lips twitch upwards and she notices the a warm glow in his eyes that replaced the usual latent hollowness. " I just filled in the gaps"

"Oh" Touka bits her lips." You okay?" She questions hesitantly.

Kaneki gazes in her eyes and smiles. It's a smile that she had carved for. It's beautiful: _he's_ beautiful and she feels her stomach twist and turn. "I am" he says, a moment later, and Touka gleams.

There's silence. And She fiddles with her fingers.

"I will go now" He states.

"Sure" she nods vigorously.

Kaneki takes a few step back.

"Good night, Touka-chan"

"Yeah. See ya"

"Touka-chan?"

"Um?"

"Thank you"

* * *

It's late and Touka decides to sleep in the cafe lounge. The day was exhausting and the soft texture of the sofa beneath her skin is too welcoming. After informing Hinami to not wait for her anymore, She slowly feels herself detaching from everything else until her eyes snap open when she hears a muffled sound. Touka tries to ignore it but soon the Incoherent uttering is reverberating throughout the room. With a grunt, she gets up, following it to its source.

Which is Kaneki. Who else did she expect?

She knocks lightly on the door. The uttering doesn't stop and there is no other response. She wonders if she should just leave, ignore the sound of his voice and him entirely, like she had promised herself. But she can't do that. He's trying. Like the night he came by her house to tell her about Hide.

Besides, her heart is screaming that she wouldn't really be able to stay away from him as much as she declares that she wants to.

_No more moves from me, remember?_

Kaneki's sitting on a chair. For a moment Touka thinks that he's awake and begins to leave, embarrassed. But he's not, and is instead lost in a deep slumber. He's leaning against it, hands on his thighs and legs sprawled out, reciting..numbers? His face, twisted in a painful expression and She notices sweat dripping from his forehead down to his chin.

"Kaneki?" She pokes his arm with one of her digits but he doesn't even flinch. Touka takes in a sharp breath, placing both hands on his shoulders and shakes him again. This time aggressively." Kaneki" she says a little louder. "Kaneki-baka!"

"Yes? Touka-chan"

She jerks back with a jolt and stares at him . His voice is too monotone for someone who just got up from a nightmare . She scowls at him " Were you pretending to sleep?"

Kaneki raises a brow questionably before shacking his head. "What are you doing here, Touka-chan?" He says after a moment slowly.

"Trying to wake you up. You were having a nightmare." Touka replies.

"Really?" There's a pause " I don't remember"

Stretching out his hands, he laces them behind his head and Kaneki closes his eyes, slumping against the chair and glances at her. "Why aren't you sleeping on the futon?" She says abruptly. The futon was given as a gift from shitty-Nishiki, though he likes to say that Kimi forced him to do so, when Kaneki showed no signs of ever leaving for his apartment.

" I can't" he replies.

Interesting choice of words.

"Can't or won't?"

"A bit of both" he remarks with a smile, hand slightly touching his chin.

"Oh" and She's not entirely sure about her next step, stay or leave?

"Touka-chan"

"Y-Yes!"

He looks at her, focused. "How's your school going?" He asks hesitantly.

" Bad - good. It's fine" she stops, bitting her lower lip. Stay it is.

" What about you?" She questions " I haven't seen you go to your university"

"I dropped out. I sent them the note a few days ago through Hide"

She's gawks at him " Why? You had such a.."

"Successful career?" Kaneki scoffs, it's mocking and she can't help but feel humiliated. His brows knit before he grits his teeth." It doesn't matter anymore"_ you should know. not after what happened_. And she looks down, ashamed by those unspoken words. Fiddling with her fingers before she takes this as her cue to leave. It was pleasant, she thinks. Talking to him again. And though it ended with a bad note, it's a huge step up from their recent relationship status. Except that it was apparently improving with their last late night meeting.

Kaneki posture turns stiff and he closes his eyes before reopening them and looks at her apologetically. "You were reading a book" He recalls. "A few days ago" she bits her lips. There's a hint of something she cant comprehend in them.

"It's in my course. _The Alchemist"_

His lips twitch into a smile. "It's a good book" he comments fondly. Touka chuckles nervously and confesses "I can't really understand it much." In her defense, it's really boring.

"Want me to help?"

"No"

There's silence and he looks taken aback." Why are you doing this, Kaneki?" She questions.

He frowns." Doing what?"

Touka bits her lips ." This" she says pointing at the space between them."You treat me like shit after you come back and now your suddenly visiting my house late at night and trying to help me"

"You were the one who came in this room Touka-chan" He answers innocently.

"That's not my point, and you know it." She says, clutching her fist in a ball.

"I don't"

"You do"

"No"

"Yes"

"Okay, let's stop beating around the bush. Why were you avoiding me?" Touka's accusation lingers in the air. A sourness entrances them and Kaneki looks away. Forehead wrinkled and eyes hidden behind a curtain of his white hair.

"I wasn't" he answers rubbing his chin.

"Don't lie"

"I'm not"

"Kaneki" his name hovers the room. Just them and the ticking of all the clocks in the building. And he looks up, locking his eyes with hers. .

"I didn't know" he confesses." I didn't know what to say"

"Than why only me?" She pauses "Why leave me in a corner?"

"I don't know"

* * *

Sorry for the late update. The next one is probably going to be the last build up before I start with the 6 month time skip. Another thing, I'd really appreciate if someone can beta read this. (English isn't my first language). So please read, enjoy and review!


	4. Blunt

Blunt.

* * *

"So...you know"

Touka says awkwardly and serves the blond human with his coffee. The shop's deserted and Kaneki's in the tunnels, once again, training with Irimi on his speed. She had stayed with the two of them for a while on Kaneki's (surprising) insistence,(she wonders if he's still trying to make up with her), but quickly left to handle the cafe when Nishiki popped down to tell them that he had somewhere to go.

What apparently awaited her was Hide, reluctant to disturb Kaneki from his routine with his sudden appearance. She had offered him coffee instead, casually which, after a minute of pondering, he accepted.

She's still uncomfortable with the risk of having another human know about her and now she finds his knowing and observant eyes unnerving. The fact is, She would have never noticed it before, but in light of the recent events, she is beginning to see why Nishiki had once warned her about him. The man's too sharp and she knows that he might have known the reality of the Cafe long before Kaneki joined them. And honestly, that thought scares her. What if he had run to the CCG? Her entire existence would have crumbled and shuddered around herself and she would have never seen it coming.

He gives her a cheeky grin and nods. Touka takes a deep breath, nervous under his presence and stands a little straighter, slightly hugging the steel tray in her hands."Since when?" She questions.

"When I was injured after Nishiki-senpai, I overhead Kaneki and the old man" Hide replies with a soft demure smile.

She cocks an eyebrow, with a slight tilt of her head." Why didn't you say something to him?"

"I was sure he wouldn't be able to keep it from you guys" the man answers honestly, a pause and a toothy grin " and frankly I wasn't really ready to die by your hands"

Touka blinks once then twice, flabbergasted and blushes a deep red before chuckling nervously. How many times had she threatened Kaneki about this? She thinks She was so desperate not to lose her normality which at that time she thought would be threatened by every human who ever found out. Not even considering the possibility that some, some might just look pass their natural facade. At this she stops, and Her brows knit together and she opens her mouth only to stop short.

Most don't.

She remembers the slap of betrayal that had made her doubtful of humans and their varying nature. For ghouls were predators and only a foolish prey would ever work with its hunter.

"I'm not going to call the CCG if that's what you are worrying about"

Eyes widening slightly, The man in question looks up, and she notes a seriousness that is so misplaced on his jolly features ." You guys...helped Kaneki a lot" he says and pauses, a single finger innocently tapping the side of the cup." He told me about" Hide waves a hand."Everything."

She averts her eyes.

"I had to thank you anyway, so thanks." He continuous." For not leaving him alone and for saving my life"

Touka redirects her gaze to his.

"I thought you said-"

Hide laughs. It's a light one: not as flamboyant and loud as most of his laughs that she had seen. " I woke up for a few moments when you and Kaneki were fighting." He smiles briskly." And damn! It was awesome! I had never imagined Kaneki fighting with his hands: let alone with three huge tentacles sprouting out of his back."

He grins and glances at her." Your wings and moves were pretty amazing too. I have never seen anyone move as fast as you, Touka-chan"

She gives him a tight-lipped smile at the sudden compliment. There's a comfortable silence. And she ponders on what he said and she closes her eyes shaking her head..." You said Kaneki told you everything?"

The man shrugs and raises an eyebrow, eyes gently prompting her to continue." Did-" Touka bites her tongue, uncertain and desperate to find the words to form her question. "Did he told you what happened after he-he was taken?" Her voice lingers in the air and Hide narrows his eyes. There's a dark shadow that comes over them and she's all too embarrassed for asking at all. She doesn't know that man and the same can be said for her, and for all she knows, Hide could think that she's simply curious which she isn't and it would be insulting for his friend."

" Kaneki doesn't talk about it at all." She adds hastily ." And even told the ghouls, who were with him, not to tell me anything." Touka unwilling clenches her fist. The need to know, to confirm and not to squirt around the bush "but They're loyal and I can't really use force and-" And she's blabbering.

She has never really considered herself as a blabbering type but here she is, creaking under the pressure. Under Hide's all knowing and uncomfortable gaze.

"He didn't" He cuts her off and she stops." Touka-chan, do you know why Kaneki hair turned white?"

She shakes her head.

"There's a medical condition" Hide says, apathetically. Eyes still holding hers in an invisible prison." Under prolong exposure to huge amount of stress, physical or mental pain, human hair will turn white. Now, Ghouls and humans aren't that different so it's the same for both of them"

He stops, face casting downward with an intense stare plastered on the table.

"Kaneki was taken for fifteen days, right?" There's silence as be traces the circle of the coffee cup, it's steam slowly rising before disintegrating into nothing.

And Touka's fingers dig into the steel surface of the tray to the point that she's almost sure that they'll leave a dent in it

"What could cause him such extreme distress that would do 'this' to him in such a short amount of time?" He asks

Her lips part but there's no sound and she's simply staring at Hide wishing that he would stop because in her heart _sheknowssheknows. _But ignorance is bliss and ignorance is a chance to pretend that something didn't happen. It's a coping mechanism for her, to run away. Not matter how big of a problem is staring down at her face,

Humans and Ghouls both just run away from what they don't want to accept, in the end.

"He was probably tortured for those fifteen days"

And Touka is almost certain that he can hear her heart breaking into a million pieces.

* * *

This is where it all started.

At least for her when she first met him here. Met him, not glanced at him as she took his order with a fake smile that hid her annoyance, this is the place where they talked and He'd been on his knees, hours after running away from her in terror, begging her to help him as he called her; her kind monsters. She had beaten the shit out of him.

Touka wishes she hadn't seen all red that night.

She's leaning against the wall just besides the door, in the alleyway of the coffee shop. Her legs brought up to her chest and she rested her forehead against them.. Along her sides is the blistering road and her eyes catches the blur of cars that would occasionally drive past. Their sound is distracting until She glances up and grits her teeth.

She can make out Kaneki's silhouette, thick black hair and eyes still wide, brimming with an innocence that she had lost so so long ago. Offended slightly when she called him a human.

_"I have a bit of ghoul inside me too"_

She wonders what he'll say now. Counter by saying that he has a bit of human inside him? She shakes her head.

Touka has seen him cry several times. And this time, she imagines him, bawling his eyes out as he's strapped to a chair for_ hourshourshours_ in that position she had seen him sleep earlier. Fifteen days and all she did was pace around the room praying that he was okay.

Who was Touka kidding? He was far from okay by the time they reached him.

She tightly squeezes her eyes in an effort to push back the tears threatening to burst loss from her sockets because it's her fault. She was weak. So so weak. As s child and even now. What could a weak person protect when you can't even protect himself? That is the rule of the jungle, isn't it?

She rubes her hand against her forehead clenching at the puff of hair that slid between her fingers. If Yomo-san or the manager had been there instead of her pathetic ass, Kaneki wouldn't have to suffer as he did. He would have been fine, troubled a bit but Not tortured.

_What did they **do** to you?_

Touka knew the answer to that question even then. But knowing and accepting are two vastly different things. Hearing it from Hide bluntly when others, Kaneki included, avoided the subject as if it was a taboo, which it probably was. Who can be insensitive for something like this? And she too had skid over it so gracefully with a 'That's too horrible to happen to a guy that good' explanation.

She is fool, a idiot who is still caught up in the past and is still too blind to see how-how rotten this world truly is because it can't even let a single white rose go unstained.

* * *

It's mid-noon and Touka decided to call in sick today until her eyes catches the unmistakable bluish-purple bundle pf hair in the middle of the road as she returns from school. The sight of this flamboyant and exuberant man leaves a bitter and utterly disgusting taste in her mouth. But curiosity intakes her as Touka watches that man walk with an extra beat.

It's not that hard to keep track of the gourmet's movement and as few streets passes, Touka finds herself brimming with anger and annoyance as she realizes his destination.

Shuu stops before Anteiku and takes an audible deep breath with arms spread out." Kaneki-Kun!" He practically screams with a few intelligible words and Touka flinches when she hears his voice. God, has she have had enough of this man.

But she's gawking when the white haired boy turns up from the side of the shop. Kaneki's finally wearing his signature eye-patch but there's a coldness in that visible eye of his that though a lot less, minors the ones he had had on that night.

Kaneki says a few words, a bored expression gracing his features while the other man fakes a hurtful look and replies. She's too far away to properly make out their conversation so Touka tiptoes from the edge of the road when the two elder man head inside and she increases her pace. Yet, she still misses most of their exchange. .

"- into the restaurant."

Her brows crock up in question as she stands against the other side of the lounge's wall. And she bites her lips barely able to stop herself from jumping in the room as well. There's a rotten smell emitting from it and Though briefly confused, she gasps with realization. It's not some decaying human food, but rather it's the flesh of ghouls.

Kaneki's cannibalizing.

It wouldn't be called that, she thinks. Since Kaneki isn't entirely a ghoul.

Shuu hums loudly." That would be it?"

"Yes."

"Kaneki-Kun! I have to wonder before Touka-chan stopped you, you were planning to go somewhere?" He says loudly. Notes quietening down as he speaks.

"What's your point?" Kaneki spats and Touka flinches at the acidity of his voice even though its not directed towards her.

The indigo man shows no regard for Kaneki's anger and continues." I had planned to offer my services to your cause if given a chance." He says." My offer still stands if you have any future plans that would require" Shuu pauses." Assistance"

"I have certainly proved myself useful, haven't I?"

There's silence and Kaneki speaks after a beat.." You certainly have. I'll take up your offer Shuu-san but" there'a creakingly noise.

"If you do anything unnecessary, I'll kill you" the deadpan tone and the bleakness of his voice hurts her. How much has he changed? How much had he needed to change?

"Calmlato! Do as you must, Kaneki-kun."

There's silence as The elder man leaves from the way he came and after a moment, Kaneki with a audible sigh proceeds to his room.

Why is he asking about the restaurant? She ponders, eyes narrowed and a single vein visibly prodding out of her forehead. Having one bad experience with those despicable, utterly disrespectful and pieces of shit isn't enough for him?

And then there's the cannibalizing. It's twisted and vile taste a clear sign shimmering brightly in neon lights about the danger of insanity it presents.

She has heard about the boost of strength eating the flesh of one's own kind gives to a ghoul. A kakuja. Her father was a one, wasn't he? He could control it, but would Kaneki be able to do the same? Or simply end up as a half-kakuja .

It's either control or a painful demise.

Ghouls don't necessarily have to eat human flesh. It's the choice that leads a ghoul to such extreme measures which places a heavy burden on their subconscious.

She wonders whether she should discuss this with Hide.

She's chewing her lips, striding aimlessly in the room, a fingers thoughtfully rubbing her chin.

It's his _choice_.

Hasn't she already stopped him from carrying out what he wanted to do? Would anymore be unfair on her part? He's cannibalizing to become strong. Shouldn't she tell him that he's already strong enough?

In her mind, she sees 'Jason' the man who had bargained in the shop as if he'd own that place and stained the wall with his blood.

_It's the right of the strong to do what they want._

What does Kaneki want to do? He's so strong that at times she's jealous of his will power. If she were in his shoes, Her mind imaging herself with thin white sheets of hair roving slightly with the wind. Touka shakes her head. A hand raised up against her temple.

He has to come clean, she knows. But she won't be the one to force him this time. He has to learn and to stop but by himself. Because in the end, the lessons that you remember the best are the ones you teach yourself, So she'll pretend that she hasn't seen anything and she'll pretend that she doesn't know anything for his sake. She'll support him, always. Little by little, help him to pick up his pieces.

Isn't that what friends do in the end, right?

* * *

I'm so sorry for the late update. But I'll have you know that I've written the main plot line of the story and I'm already working on the next chapter.

Guest (from chapter 2) : thank you for your kind words. and no I am not a student of psychology if it seems like it.(Blushes) I hope you liked the reunion.

Guest (from chapter 3) : Thank you! :) I am not good with fight scenes so I try to avoid them as much as possible. Once again, Thanks.. Hope you like this chapter. It doesn't have much development but its just build up.

Guest (from chapter 3) : Thank you for having nothing to say (In a good way :) and sorry for the late..


	5. There's hope for you

_There's hope for you_

_This chapter has been beta by **Rustling clocks**. _

_Thanks to that, You guys are spared from my much too often typos and bad writing. _

* * *

Disgruntled, she throws the book aside. She presses a hand firmly against her forehead, wondering how people can read something like this for fun. Touka has never been good with her studies (Although a part of her brain blames the fact that she has never attended school before middle school) And though she knows that she's pretty average in school, Literature is the only subject which makes her wish that she hadn't taken Yoshimura-san's offer. It's filled with a shitload of words that she can't make even a little sense of and she's tired of reading the same sentence again and again.

Why can't authors just use some honest to god simple _Japanese_ for people like her?

And honestly, she can't fully concentrate and nor does she want to.

Touka will never admit it out loud, but she's worried about him. Ever since he came back, it seems that this is the only thing she's capable of. For the millionth time, she regrets her decision to stay quiet.

It simply frustrates her.

She feels like she is watching a car accident, too mesmerized to look away, too far to help with the way in which shitty Kaneki keeps her at arm's length. As if she's some sort of helpless observer who though might desperately want to intervene, just can't and is simply left watching and watching.

"Onee-san?"

Startled, Touka looks up. Hinami gives her a worried glance, in her hands is the book she threw away and she holds it up." Is this for school?"

She nods, stretching out both her hands on the table with a yawn." I haven't read this one, yet" the girl muses the with a peculiar tenderness and greed, glittering in her eyes. The clock ticks and ticks. Of course, Hinami would want to read it.

"Go on," Touka says abruptly. She jumps involuntarily before passing a light smile." I need that book to be ten feet away from me, anyway."

"No, that's what you want, not need. It's necessary for you to pass this test, isn't? "

"Maybe" She raises her brows, lips twitching upwards. Hinami has come a long way, hasn't she? Touka remembers when she first met her as a shy and timid little girl hiding behind the safety of her mother's back from a world that was simply waiting to chew her out.

"You should ask Onii-sa to help you out"

And the smile drops."No way" She grunts immediately. The younger girl frowns.

"Why not? He helps me all the time."

Touka breaths in loudly. "I just don't want to." She says, a hand rubbing the nape of her neck."He's got other things to worry about and I'm not asking for his help"

"Who's asking for who's help?"

Touka cocks her neck and sighs exuberantly when she catches the intruder from the corner of her eyes.

"What are you doing here" she snaps " This is staff only. Hide-san"

The man sheepishly grins." Hi to you too" he replies and laces his fingers behind his head, closing his eyes. He crooks one open after a moment, glancing at Hinami." We haven't met, have we?"

The girl looks down shyly, fidgeting." N-no we haven't."

"Hinami" She glances at her." This is Hide and he's Kaneki's best friend. Hinami nods.

"Hide-san this is Hinami and she's like a sister to Kaneki."

The man smiles

"Nice to met you"

"Same here"

Hinami places the book on the table and slides it to her, giving her a cut encouraging smile and a slight waggle of her head as she pads across the room.

"Hinami?"

The girl looks back." Yes?"

She points at Hide who glances at her curiously " He knows" Hinama raises her brows in confusion. "He _knows_" she tries again.

The girl gets the hint and gawks at him. "A-about" she splutters

"Us"

"A-and-"

"The cafe"

Hinami blinks twice and beams." He's like Kimi-san!" She exclaims. And though Touka flinches slightly at the girl's loud voice, she nods with a smile. Hinami face twitches into a strange expression and she looks at Hide with a dewy curiosity and respect while the man smiles at her.

"I hope we can get along"

Hinami gives out a warm, demure smile. The phone rings from the alarm Touka had set, perfectly ruining the moment but she doesn't give it much thought, and she plucks it out from her pocket and murmurs an apology as she stands up, stretching her hands once again, the crackling sound of her bones loud and clear." There goes my break" she looks at Hide." Kaneki's not here"

The man pouts." Again?"

Touka nods." He isn't here since the morning."

"Really? " Hinami chimes in," I didn't even notice"

"Where did he go? That guy has a bad habit of ditching me, Touka-chan" Hide grumbles, a finger scratching his cheeks.

"I don't know" she replies." He left a note. Saying that he'll be back by night and not to worry"

"He did? That's new"

There's no doubt about that.

"You gonna stay?"

He places a hand on his chin. stroking it thoughtfully before shrugging." Why not? Hinami-chan will give a loathsome man like me some company, right?"

"Eh?" Hinami looks up, startled.

"I don't bite"

Touka chuckles to herself. "Off I go then"

"Onee-san! wa-wait!-"

* * *

"I am going to kill Hide" Nishiki mumbles as he comes behind her later that day.

Touka frowns at the seriousness of his voice." Need I remind you about your very human and just as fragile girlfriend?"

The man eyes her than shrugs." It's only fair"

She rises a brow." What is?"

"You tried to kill Kimi when you found out that she knew. " Nishiki stops, lips curled up in a smirk." You'll try to protect him and I'll get to land a few hits on you as payback"

She cant help but to scoff " Hardly. You won't have to deal with me" she pauses "but rather with Kaneki." This time, she's the one who's smirking." He took you out when he wasn't even remotely close to the word 'strong'. He's gonna wipe your ass now that he's cann-"

She cuts herself off. Eyes wide and she is furiously biting the insides of her cheeks to a point that she can almost make out the metallic taste of blood as she swirls around, legs going into arrest, in a poor effort to hide her fear. Of course, she slipped. Where is that shit about being some sort of pseudo observer now? If Nishiki knew what she meant to say, he doesn't comment on it. Rather he shrugs and walks away, murmuring beneath his breath about the unfairness of it all.

Touka sighs in relief as she watches him. 'You don't know the half of it'

* * *

The clock ticks and ticks, but there's no sign of Kaneki.

She is foolishly waiting for him to return from whatever arrangements he had, and Touka likes to think that she's simply _too_ desperate for help with her studies and there's nothing more to it.

She is most certainly, not frightened by the idea that he won't comeback nor worried about what he was doing or that he might come back sporting a hole in his chest.

She grunts when she realizes how pathetic that sounds.

In the end, she decided to take Hinami's suggestion. Her test, tomorrow is definitely more important than she'll ever give it credit for and she has to get at least some level of decent marks to make up for the consecutive 'F's littering her report card.

There's a shuffle of light movements and Touka perks up as the door opens. Kaneki walks in. A tie hanging loosely around his neck, a black eye patch covering the wrong eye and a tired look on his face which shifts into an expression of surprise when his eyes lock with hers.

"Touka-chan?" He calls out.

"Yo," she replies, a finger tapping on the counter impatiently.

But she's drowning in her worry at his appearance . A soft sigh escapes her lips and they twitch upwards in a smile that she, a little too quickly, wipes off her face. He's fine, he's okay and that note wasn't his _shitty_ idea of a goodbye. He strides in, closing the door behind."What are you doing here this late?" And sits in front of her after pushing a stray chair into a desired position.

"Nothing." She snaps briskly "You may have a spare key, but this isn't your shop."

Kaneki gazes at her and There's a look in his eyes that she can't decode. A mixture of amusement and something else entirely.

She bits her lower lip.

"Besides, you owe me"

He snickers and she's all too flustered to pass off a sassy remark." Lay off! it's true"

Kaneki stops. "Of course." He replies that look fades into one of a distinct warmth " I always have"

She averts her gaze, looking steadily at the counter. They are the only ones there in Anteiku. It's empty chairs and the remnants of little things like the missing chattering of customers, that remind her of how busy the day truly was, which surrounds them in some sort of a heavy mist that it's either too unnerving or totally comfortable.

Touka glances up.

Kaneki stares at her intently, that 'look' back in his visible eye as he rests his head on the palm of his hand which is supported by an elbow on the counter." So" he says. His voice low barely a whisper and suddenly they're _so, so, close_ that she can feel the tip of his breath on her skin. " What would you like me to _do_?"

There's a yelp threatening to escape from her lips and she's not some sort of a freaking idiot to not know what exactly he means.

But he's Kaneki. Freaking Kaneki.

And the world would end on the day that he starts making remarks like 'that'.

Right?

Or maybe she's just in denial.

Touka leans against the chair, slowly, at a safe distance away from the white-haired men, careful to hide her quivering fingers from what she thinks he meant.

" Help me with this," she says after a moment, hoisting the book up in front of her face.

He blinks. For a moment, he looks confused before Kaneki shakes his hair rather vigorously, disarraying them completely as he does and takes the book, fingers brushing slightly against hers." Test?"

She nods, ignoring the coldness of his skin when it touched hers. ."Important. I have to pass it"

He touches the bridge of his nose."'_Pride and Prejudice_' Is it due tomorrow?" He asks

"Yeah"

There's silence as he caress the cover of the book and rubs a hand over the back of his head." Okay," he says and pauses." Let's start from here. What do you know about the story, characters, and setting?"

And she tells him, previous unease forgotten, from the start, to what she thinks were the characters intentions and Kaneki sits there, listening to her with a frown or an occasional chuckle and an mumbled apology when Touka glares daggers at him. Then there are times when he shakes his head ruefully.

After she's done, Kaneki points out her mistakes and she listens as carefully as she can while making small side notes.

He writes out a few questions and Touka groans loudly. "It'll help," he says." You'll get the gist of almost everything"

So she scribes away relentlessly. Turning the note book pages one by one until Kaneki clears his throat. "Elizabeth is kinda like you, isn't she?"

Touka scowls at him." Are you saying that I'm hasty and too prejudiced? "

He cracks a smile ."' _Till this moment, I never knew myself_.' " he quotes in English. The foreign language passes off his tongue in a silky voice.

She shakes her head." Elizabeth said that. Didn't she?"

He nods. "She's intelligent and quick witted. She..also learns from her mistakes and cares deeply for her loved ones," a pause as Kaneki looks up. There's a distinctness in his eyes. As if he's recalling a time long forgotten. "I thought..you to be like her on more than one occasion."

Touka doesn't reply.

In fact, that's the last idle thing the two ever say to each other the entire night. He checks her answers and tells her that it isn't bad and she'll definitely get a 'B' at least. She nods, gets up and murmurs a thanks before she wears her coat hanging by the door and stops.

Touka eyes the handle. It's cold beneath her fingers, a lot more than how his hand was. She grips it tightly." Kaneki"

"Um?"

"What were you doing? Wh-where were you..." " She bits her lips. One step. One step at a time no matter how difficult it is to stop oneself from bursting open.

There's no answer.

She doesn't turn back to see his face. And she remembers. Just reminds herself of how much an innocent and honest statement from him had..had helped her. It was as little as anything could have been, but it was still there. A sense of comfort that she hadn't ever gotten the pleasure of having.

"_If you die... It'll be pretty shitty here_"

* * *

Kaneki's missing in the morning and the next one after.

And she's half _angry_, worried and **humiliated**.

He's gone, disappeared for two days. Two days. And shes sitting on her pathetic ass doing absolutely nothing. She's trying to reach out. She really is. But when there's no result, it's just downright agitating.

The idea of blowing off some stream is more than appealing.

So Touka excuses herself from work. Dumping everything on a very, very angry Nishiki, she climbs down the ladder to the tunnels with hasty steps and lets it all off. It's been so long since she spared and more so with an invisible partner. The feeling, the rush and adrenaline flowing in her veins is too blissful and she thinks that she had almost forgotten it. She jumps and lands a kick (_she really can't tell whether it would miss or not_) before somersaulting backwards in a blur. She ducks when her invisible spar partner counterattacks And she throws a series of punches with as much as power she can generate behind them.

She's screaming. Her battle cry is nothing less than pathetic, but it doesn't matter. After a while, Touka lays on the ground, exhausted and juiced out. She's huffing and taking deep breaths. It's wonderful. the feeling in her veins and kagune. And she's shocked that she doesn't do this more often.

Her movements are rusty. She's slower than she ever was, to the point of being sluggish even. How long has it been since she has had a proper fight? It's worrisome. She wonders what Ayato would think.

The sun is almost touching the horizon by the time Touka gets back to Anteiku and the cafe is bustling with chatter. With a twitch of her nose, she realizes that the customers are all ghouls at the moment. "What's going on?" She asks Nishiki who scowls at her." Go and find out yourself, Shitty Touka"

She shakes her head, he's still angry not that she cares and takes a recent order to its table. A pair of just pure black coffee with no cream or sugar for a pair of men.

"-was done by droves"

One of the men stops and passes her a flirtatious smile. He looks a little older than her, ravel hair and a sharp jawline, probably around Kaneki's age and Touka rolls her eyes. Great, that's just what she needs.

She a glimpse of thick black hair from the corner of her eyes." Irimi-san!" She calls out and hurries towards the woman as turns around.

"Yes?"

She smiles sheepishly " Do you know whats going on?"

Irimi looks at her, startled, then blinks in surprise ." You haven't heard?"

And so she hears. About the massacre at the Ghoul restaurant what could have been considered the epitome of the Ghoul community's power; prestige and cruelty.

"You okay?" Irimi eyes her.

Touka nods, dazed and strides away.

She knows. It's idiotic, but she just knows. Why else would he ask for the restaurant? It certainly wasn't to get a membership, oh god he hasn't changed that much. Nor was it to relive a certain night.

It's _him_.

It can't be the doves and it's him.

It's freaking Kaneki who is apparently responsible for a freaking massacre.

They definitely deserved it. But Kaneki didn't. He couldn't hurt a freaking fly so why? His kindness, his compassion, all of it, is he going to sacrifice them? The very essence of what makes Him 'him'.

She rubs her temple and grits her teeth. How the hell is she supposed to help now?


	6. All-out

All-out

* * *

The next time Touka sees him, she doesn't nod or smile or even blink. She glances past him when he greets her, a thin laced smile on his lips even though her heart is heavy when she sees the dark circles beneath his eyes and the shallow holes in his cheeks.

She walks away when he calls her, ignoring the hurt in his voice and the sinking feeling in her heart. She doesn't shove past him or blast off numerous curses and even restrains herself from punching the hell out of him when he blocks the door, desperation evident in his visible eye and she barely manages to hide the fact that this hurts her much more than it hurts him.

Rather than avoiding, she's bluntly ignoring his existence. Nothing, not even a slightest acknowledgement of presence. A glance or a mocking remark.

And for once, her actions seem be working rather efficiently.

Kaneki tries to initiate a conversation on more than one occasion. Sometimes, it's relatively easy for her to ignore the hell out of him and other times, it's right down heart wrenching to turn away from the way he breaths out her name, as if hugging the letters themselves and his voice that sounds suspiciously like a plea.

Touka has remind herself, the protocol is vacant and emotion-less.

_Calm and collected._

It's a cluster mix of her bruised pride and ego.

It isn't surprising that they're only able to play this game for such a short amount of time.

* * *

It's raining.

Heavy currents unlike anything seen in the 20th Ward shower down accompanied with strong and merciless winds that basically do a lot of property damage.

It's no shock that Anteiku is having a bad business day.

Touka's fumbling with her phone, leaning against the crouch, orange lights illuminate the room and she rubs a hand against her arm and with slight shivers from the cold. Kaneki walks in a few minutes later. He stretches out his hands, the creaking of his bone cuts through the silence and he yawns tiredly.". It sure is coming down hard, isn't it Touka-chan? "

There's no reaction from her.

Kaneki clicks his tongue. " Are you still ignoring me?"

Pause

"What did I do?"

He questions after a loud glances down, brows slightly raised. This would mark the first time that he had ever acted aggressively. A desperate Kaneki might be hard for her to ignore, but an angry one?

The corners of her lips twitch upwards.

"Aren't we a bit too old for this?" His voice is husky and hoarse and She stands up rather abruptly.

Excuse him for calling her immature.

She wonders why she lets him rile her up so easily.

Touka leaves the room with hastening steps. Maybe It's not as easy as she thought it to be.

She will definitely not be missed in Anteiku today and honestly, she'd rather spend the remainder of the day in the warmth of her apartment away from the horrible weather. Safely tucked in the covers of her bed.

The lights flicker a bit, then stops working entirely when she pushes the switch up. Touka curses, loudly and touches the bridge of her nose. She squirts her eyes, making an outline of the darkened room. Where did she keep her raincoat again?

She falters through the room, and fails to swallow a yelp when her toes hit a hard surface. One hard against the wall, she rubs her toes, bouncing on one leg.

"You could ask for my help, you know "

Or she could simply beat the shit out of him and be done with it.

Touka breaths loudly and slightly lumps towards the door. Her coat is probably just hanging from it.

_Calm and collected_

Until she isn't.

She should have seen it coming but she didn't and Kaneki grips her wrist from behind, swirling her around. He pushes forward, her back slams against the door, her breath whooshes out of her lungs. Both of his hands clenches hers tightly. And they're locked in a prison under his grip above her head, digits digging into her skin to the point that it starts to hurt. His eyes narrowed slits and their bodies _pressed_ together.

There's shock

There's fear

And then there is _anger_ that warms her body starting from her core spreading out towards her veins.

"_Look at me_, " he says voice low and each word is accompanied by a white plume of breath.

Touka does.

"Fuck you"

He launches himself backward, stumbling with frightened steps, barely missing her knee, which she aimed at his torso and even though she hadn't been able to land a hit on him, Kaneki looks as if he has just been slapped.

"Touka-chan! I'm sorry! I-I " he exclaims, flabbergasted and face a bash with shame. She shakes her head, looking at his eyes with an intensity that she never thought she could muster and he looks more ashamed, if that's even possible, under her gaze.

He doesn't evade her next onslaught of attacks.

Screw the rain, her coat or even a freaking umbrella.

Touka pushes past him when he falls down from her blow and rushes out in a blur.

It's only after her anger has quieted down that she wholeheartedly regrets her haste. The chilled wind blows in her face and she's shaking and shivering and drenched in water. The cold sinks down to her bones and Touka slows down when each step takes up much of her strength.

She bitterly realizes that her apartment is still a few blocks away.

A hand presses firmly on her shoulders and she turns around and Kaneki removes it, raising both of his hands in front of her. Near his feet is an umbrella.

There's a dark bruise darkening on his cheeks.

"Take it,"

"I won't " She snaps.

How _dare_ he face her again?

She is not some weak willed pitiable girl who he can use for whatever urges he feels.

The rush of anger and rage sweeps through her cutting away the cold and exhaustion.

"Touka-chan, I'm sorry. Please I...Please just listen"

And she does.

Touka wonders why.

For one reason,. It's drizzling heavily and the other that there's nothing here for her. But her legs gave into arrest and she finds herself frozen in her spot.

There's an anticipation bubbling in her chest. Because this confrontation is much needed and much awaited between them.

"Okay, so tell me, What are your excuses now Kaneki?"

"I didn't know what I was doing. " Kaneki pauses . His voice grows stronger with each word." I was just... Angry that you were ignoring me for no reason "

Touka steps closer and he moves back. " No _reason_?". She hisses. Fury surges through her veins , each breath exhilarates it. " Don't you fucking start. You think I don't know? About the restaurant! About What you did? About you working with that fucking gourmet! -"

She's glaring daggers at him.

He wobbles and glances down. Hair curtails his ocular. And mutters a

"How did you know " and cuts himself off.

"They deserved it." He says, dead-panned. Fingers stretched out, one overlaps the other and pushes down, the popping sound is muffled by the rain.

"Ha!"

He lifts his eyes to meet her.

She relishes the troubled look on his face.

Her payback.

"Of course, only the twisted can judge the sick and twisted ones. Right?"

"Touka-chan"

She steps back." That's your excuses. They deserved it. Good, so you went ahead and pucked them out?"

A laugh cuts through from the back of her throat.

"Oh, so generous of you, Kaneki" She hisses.

His brows knit together, but there is no comeback from him.

She shakes her head. Beneath her outrage and, there is disappointment. That's it, she thinks and almost scoffs. So anticlimactic.

"Don't judge me, " he whispers, so softly that she barely makes out the word with the rain thrashing around them.

"Why shouldn't I? Acting as if you're some sort of alone tragic hero."

Touka steps towards him, grabbing the hum of his shirt, she pushes him down and he's startled by the sudden movement. Their faces inches apart, no rain to dull their vision or muffle her words.

"You said it back then, that you wanted to protect us. Is that What you're trying to do?"

"I'll tell you here and now. You don't. We don't have to be protected by you. So stop being a fucking eyesore!"

"Don't judge me." He grits his teeth, and Both of them are quivering, in cold, in anger and maybe That's What she wanted. Since it certainly is the climax of whatever they have.

"You have no idea What I have been -"

"Then Tell Me!"

The words slip through her lips instantaneously. No other reaction would be appropriate and as much as she could predict herself saying this, he couldn't.

And that shock is evident in his eyes.

"Tell me." she says again in a whisper, letting go of his clenched shirt. Her hand slid down to his chest, to where his heart is. Her voice is heavy with laces of betrayal that stings her.

Would he have really left? she suddenly wonders. Leaving her behind with a bullshit explanation and deep rooted guilt?

"I don't want to..." _lose a friend like you_.

It is no bombshell that this is what she had always wanted him to do. To open up. To share his tale and sorrow and fear and pain and but to this extent? She couldn't even guess. It's like a reassurance to her that she's prominent.

Not someone who could easily be forgotten.

Or left behind.

What hits her like a ton of bricks is that everything she has heard about Kaneki has been from _every one_ but Kaneki.

Touka realizes that deep down that fact hurts her much more than she would imagine it to.

Kaneki averts his eyes.

Of course, he wouldn't.

Her heart sinks and each beat of her heart sends a wave of pain through out her body and the rain does little to smoothen it.

She steps away from him like lightening.

"Touka-chan "

He gulps audibly and she glances up as their eyes lock together.

"I will" He states and pauses.

She doesn't even try to hide her surprise.

"I'll tell you...about everything. So please just..." he trails off with a heavy breath and though She doesn't know what he was meant, Touka nods and nods again.

The surprise of something happening her way is too much to shake through and she's staring at him with wide eyes,lost for words and musters up something completely intelligible.

"What?" He leans in close, white hair, paddling against his temple and she's saved from answering his question by an extremely undesirable way.

Kaneki pushes her and himself to safety when car rushes past them, barely missing the two by inches. Its tires splashes the puddle of water beneath their feet, soaking her and Kaneki in mud and what not, she feels the digesting taste slip into her mouth

She is yelling a long string of curses at the top of her lungs that she knows probably go unheard.


	7. Maybe not

**Chapter note :** This takes place between Chapter 1 and 2

* * *

Sorry for the incredibly long wait fora short chapter. I have been juggling my life and exams and other things thrown into the mix. Hopefully, the updates will go back to their normal timings. But till then, I just wanna say that i am sorry.

**tinaah**: Thank you for your support. I am glad that you like the chapters.

**spinoff** : Thanks! I just thought of the ending and I was like ' this will be better'

**sikaloolala** : Haha, I guess Kaneki deserved it. About him being angry, this is just a side effect of the cannibalization.

**Anonymous Reviewer-T** : Thank You so much! and no problem. I am currently trying my best to fix those hindrances. But they just seem to pop out of nowhere. once again, thanks for the constructive criticism! I really appreciate it.

**Enzar17**: I am so glad that it is. Thank you. The first chapter isn't really that great. ( I know) but I like to think that I got better with time. Yes, those 'Shacking' mistakes. I hadn't really noticed it at that time. But now, I have been making a point to reread the chapter especially for something like that. Once again, thanks for your advice!

**ForgottenBlossom:** thank you! That's what I am aiming for!

**Delta ****Marauder**: Thank you for considering my work fantastic.

Shout out to** xxxDreamingflowerxxx** for being such an awesome and supportive friend!

* * *

Hope

Such a silly little word that she has always so so foolishly held on to. It's there at the backrest of her head, clinging to each line of thought.

Ayato might come back.  
Things might just go back to _normal_.

Irrespective of who they are directed to. Be it a brother, a troubled friend,  
She'll be lingering to some blurred memory where all was safe and she was innocent and a white rose was left unstained. It might be her best and worst characteristic. To simply hold on, and when there's truly, absolutely nothing on the other side, all those years of searching in a crowd of faces for a familiar one turn and crumble away into fire and ash, worthless, where the gentle wind is visible under their soot . The resulting recovery process is more of an agony than healing.

Has she ever learned her lesson?

She glanced around herself.

Evidently, not.

Her hood is down to the lowest point casting a dark shadow on her face. Touka walks with her head stuck downwards, occasionally stealing a few glimpses.  
This was her home. At present , nothing other than a bitter phantom of betrayal.

She doesn't dwell on those thoughts, though. Despite them basically presenting themselves on a silver plate. The neighborhood is a lot more messier than the heaven she remembered it to be. Or maybe it became like that after karma struck this cursed and forsaken spot. She shakes her head. Like humans will ever get what they deserve for ruining her.

The alleyway provides shelter for cloaked figures, with bottles with a sicking smell clasped around them, and kids, down at heel with their bones visible and hollow holes in their cheeks, sleeping on the pavement.

Touka looks away, Maybe that's why it was so easy for her and Ayato to get off the radar.

She shakes her head again, ruefully, here she is at the place where it all started, a prisoner of her memory. The nostalgic smell, the wind, the garden, the apartment.  
Their apartment.  
Her apartment.  
Her father. Laid, _bleeding_ on the streets that she is stepping on.  
Touka forces her eyes to shut.  
No, that's **not** what happened..

She has no way of knowing that,a treacherous part of her mind says.

He's out there.  
Somewhere.  
Right now, she thinks, that the chances of him being here are a lot. The entirety of this expedition and these thoughts comes down to only one thing.

Cochlea.

The ghoul detention center and the break in.

Countless ghouls escaped Cochlea, an act of courtesy by Aogiri or an additional benefit to whatever the goal they came to accomplish.  
Touka has no idea about her father's rank according to CCG or how he could have had proved himself useful enough to be kept alive by them or if he was lucky enough to be freed.

If... If ...

What would she say? Cradle him in her arms and cry like all the times she did after Ayato slept? Tell him that whatever she did, she did to survive and how it somehow made the guilt a little less heavy to carry?  
Tell him about Ayato? How his son, changed and become the epitome of a merciless Ghoul?

* * *

She never really gets a chance to do either of that.

It's incredibly late when Touka starts to head back to her apartment. Moonlight illuminates the streets and there's barely a soul except her, on the roads.  
It gives a sense of solidarity. Each step is more agonizing than the one before. Her thighs ache, shoulders slump and her hands hang loosely by her side.

So _stupid_.

So incredibly stupid and a wastage of time. She had better things to do than look for a ghost. She should have just completed her homework and rested on her day off like she was suppose to.

Away from here.  
Away from Anteiku.  
From Kaneki.  
From the lingering pain in her Kagune.

She slips. And is barely able to find her balance.  
"Shit"  
There's nothing here that could have made her stumble except the air.  
She rests her hands on the side of the building. Her breaths are sharp and her face twists into something else entirely different than her the cold pseudo self. Tears well into the corner of her eyes and she closes them shut.

Hope.  
It's such an ugly word.  
And every time she dares to cross it, she is thrown back against the wall, traumatized.  
The irony is that for her, hoping is _hopeless_.

"Stop, " she mutters, twice and once again until her body complies. Touka breathes heavily and moves away from the wall. The tears sink back into the place they came from and she's a bit proud of the fact that she was able to hold it in during what could have been a possible breakdown session.

Once she enters in her apartment, and sees Hinama leaning against the table asleep, with a now cold coffee cup besides her head, Touka finds herself smiling.

It's the first time she has smiled in days.

Wrapping up the little girl in her hands, she drops her softly on the bed, covering her with a blanket as she goes. Hinami stirs a little, before she's lost in her dreams again.

* * *

So yeah, small chapter. I had always thought that Touka would think something like that after hearing about the break in. The updates will vary until I can get my life back on the track, until than Please review!


	8. Beginnings

_Beginnings_

* * *

"Some stories start halfway through"

* * *

He emerges from the shower as the crests of his hair drip water on his collar while she spoons their coffee and pushes a cup to him. He twitches, slightly, and walks with slow steps before passing her a grin of sorts.

" This is Ayato-kuns, right?" He says.

"No shit"

The shirt hugs his body, conforming to his chest muscles, it stops midway at his abdomen, but stretched out and he slumps against the chair, arms resting on his thighs and chuckles. She looks away. Her eyes had lingered on him a second too long, and her heart shifted and her stomach twisted. The feeling was sudden and entirely exhausting and she is not at all comfortable with its existence.

"Thank you "

Touka nods and taps the side of her cup. The liquid swirls, dipping at the table and her digits from the border. Its warm against her skin and her eyes close and she takes a deep breath because its a welcomed change from the cold that has enveloped the entire ward.

She glances up at him.

The smile on Kaneki's lips unnerves her, creating the same light hearted-ness like before just a bit more in duration and strength. There's a crease on her brows and clenched palms.  
"What?"

The boy hums a strange tone, " Nothing." He says, brushing his chin. There's a pause and for a moment his smile fades and he stares at a distant thought, still and intent before shaking his heads, dismantling and ruffling his hair, her hand jerks forward and she quickly covers her cup as droplets scatter around from his sudden movement. He looks up again, all messed up and rebellious, and clears his throat." How did the test go?"

"It went well"

His face brightens. "Good? "

" Yeah, I passed"

Kaneki nods and this time around, it's him who's fumbling with the cup and feeling its warmth. For a moment, all she does is stare. There's some sort of a change in his eyes, barely, a little shift of colors, but they look a lot less musky and dare she say it, lively. Lips curved upwards and though the line is still furthest away from his ears, it is wider than before.

Is the aspect of having someone to share that fulfilling? In all honestly, forcing him to open up shouldn't be as important to him as it is to her.

Kaneki has Hide. His best friend who, despite everything that has transpired between the time she first met him, is still by his side. Who was and is willing and ready to lend him his ear.

So _why_? She's almost tempted to ask.

It's the way that he sits, loose shoulders and muscles relaxed, reminiscent of a time not forgotten that Touka can't help but to smile at, dumbly. The dim lights of the kitchen, the softness of his hair, which a part of her itches feel in between her fingers, he is an antique of some sorts, fragile, but way more valuable than what she will ever be and it all lights off an aura of exotic-ness that seems to be too untouchable.

_Untouchable_...  
That's what she has to change.

There's a crack in her voice when Touka starts speaking again. It's her tale that she recalls in front of him as she talks about a mother of whom she has a torn up fainted picture in her mind. She talks about what aspects of the women she remembers and what not.

A pause as if a mic is being switched, and He speaks about his father. How that man had died too early and left behind a passion of books that Kaneki inherited. The faint recollection of the funeral, he has and how he had cried despite not knowing what was truly happening.

She recalls her father then, his kindness that was so much like Kaneki, his thrust to fit in and his lectures about how Ghouls should show mercy despite their feeding habits. About that day He left never to come home again.

And he remembers his mother. How she would help him read the words he couldn't. There are moments where his voice loses its warmth, its sudden and filled with a _longing_ and an _agony_ unlike anything she expected him to have. Kaneki doesn't tell her how she died, Touka doesn't ask.

They go back and forth between different phases of their life, and he laughs when she tells him about a few of her and Ayato's misadventures and when she gives off a graphic description of what she would do if she ever saw that aunt of his. His laugh is...pleasant-more than that -for her to hear. Simple joy, so innocent, unrestricted. It cuts through the back of his throat and he leans against the chair, eyes closed, his chest rising with each breath.

It's _so_ unlike Kaneki that all she can do is be stunned. She didn't know that he was capable of making such a sound. Even when his hair had been black, thick, and his eyes had been wide, there were some sorts of a barrier which stopped him. Or had she simply never noticed how amazing the sound of his laugh for her ears was? Despite them so beautifully grossing over the details, its, for her, the first time that Touka can ever say that _knows_ someone as well they know her.  
It swells in her chest and fills her to the brim with pride.

Halfway through, they make another cup of coffee in the kitchen, tossing around jokes or simply bickering where she's back to her past aggressive self and he's back acting much like the black hair clumsy boy that she knew. His shirt curls upwards and had it been another day or another time, she would have surely been frustrated at the exposure of his skin and muscles but she isn't. Because in this moment, everything else is forgotten and what lives and what is true is the fact that the two of them are here, together, making coffee and getting along with their own special way. It's easy to pretend that they haven't experienced and been the cause of horrors and what not. And for the first time in months, Touka feels as if she finally got Kaneki back.

When they sit back at the table, they are a seat closer, when they start talking and when he reaches Riza and then the time he had to spend with Aogiri, the cheery atmosphere comes to an end.

Her fingers lace with his at some point, his skin is warm, and she ignores the electricity that whizzes through her veins, giving him a little squeeze.

Kaneki cuts through the details, and presents her with an overview of sorts. She knows how he met with Banjou and the others with him, how he got into the room with Jason and then a little bit of how he got out. He doesn't tell her what exactly happened in the room and Touka doesn't want him to. Even with this, she can't bring herself to look at him. '_I' and it's m t_'. The words hang in the back of her throat, pushing, fighting to come out.

He grips her hands.

"Touka-chan, it's fine"

She tears through his hold and stands, the cups on the table fall and break, and she's biting her lips. " It's not. You- " she clenches her fist in a ball, her nails dig into her skin leaving behind a red rash. "Something Like This Is Never Fine! Stop being so Shitty Kaneki!"

"I'm just glad " a pause and he looks for words as a digit rubs his chin." That it wasn't anyone else"

"You - why would you even think something like that! Bakani, you loser, you shitty, little... So what if it wasn't anyone else, you- you didn't- "

Her voice cuts off when she feels his hands holding her shoulders. Touka looks up and he passes her a smile, soft and fragile."Thank you. But I won't let it happen again. " There's a cracking sound near her ears, his smile fades and his features dim and when he speaks, his voice isn't soft " I'm _not_ weak anymore"

"Kaneki -"

He squeezes her shoulders, and the lines of his lips twitch upwards and he lifts one hand to touche the edge of his chin. " Besides those.. Ten days.. They weren't that painful"

* * *

XXXXXXxxxx-...

* * *

It's not as if he wasn't prepared.

He thinks as he eyes the TV with the fading silhouettes of men wearing long coats that twist with which gust of wind and a suitcase in hand. He should have probably installed more cameras, He wonders offhandedly.

It's just that the possibility of it happening so quickly was, in his mind, quite low. Then again, He should have expected it. It's not in his nature to be caught off guard. He has always been able to see, in some sense. See the difference, sense it, smell it and write off a list of possibilities, no matter how preposterous. '_Off-guard_', the word didn't exist in his dictionary.

Yet, it has made a phantom appearance of sorts twice up to date. Suffice to say, He is not amused.

By the time he reaches towards his apartment's door, his mind has constructed a map of sorts. His phone didn't ring, so he knows that this probably hasn't reached the ears of the higher ups and judging by the impatient knocking on his door and the look he saw on the screen, It's probably some investigator who thinks himself too significant to be playing this game.

What an absurd line of thought.

He has few doubts that the man is not even worthy to be considered a pawn.

With a sigh, Nagachika Hideyoshi sets the door chain as he opens it and smiles through gritted teeth.

"~Yes? How can I help you?"

* * *

**Okay, so Im alive! Hopefully, you people are still following the story. Im extremely sorry! But blame school and what not for the lack of chapters this month. Review and hopefully the characters weren't OOC. Except Hide, because we really don't know what that guy is thinking. Anyway, I will be jumping back and forth with Characters POVs. For one reason or another, I am confident now that I can write someone other than her...( hopefully that horse doesnt get hit in the face)**

**Anyway, Review what you liked! (please :) they are the writer's fuel)**


	9. A Simple Nudge

_A Simple Nudge_

* * *

The feeling that rushed through her was a contradiction. It was mentally exhilarating, physically tiring and deep down, it was frightening. There was a smile laced on her face, unnatural, leering, wide and blissful. Where her wing had flown, her breath easy to take where she had all that she wanted to give; to let out. Her heart gives in to tachycardia and her mind is quick to succumb.

The moment ended, the enjoyment as well as Touka feels the full brunt of the ground on her face for who knows how many times. From somewhat pleasurable, this session became an enactment of war. Where reaching to the door itself, in this case, Yomo-san, was a battle.  
She breathes, exhales slowly and thoroughly. Fist clenched into balls, blood from the palm of her hand flows down in a steady queue.  
No cursing, no rushing off.  
So much for having a bit of fun.

"Get up" the man's voice echoes in the burrows of the tunnels. The light at the flickers ever so slightly (her eyes gaze at the ceiling so far and so out of reach) Putting her weight in her hands, she thrusts herself upwards and winces when a piercing thrust of pain flows throughout her system. Her body isn't used to this kind of workout. It appears like an unearthly effort at the moment, with each of her muscles sore, knees weak and thighs aching. It's the one thing that ruins the full experience.

"Yomo-san... I think that's enough, "she whines, slightly. The man doesn't respond, but there's a flick of his hair and in another second he's beside her. The brutal beat down begins again and Touka's struggling and running out to keep up with his punches.

She lets out her kagune, it tears through the cloth of her shirt's back. The man doesn't bother to do the same, and when she launches herself towards him, a battle cry at the tip of her lips, (what happened to 'no rushing'?) Yomo lands a solid punch at her abdomen, swiftly escaping through her defense as if it's not even there. She cries out in pain and readies herself for what comes after.

By the time they are done, she can hardly move a muscle. She lays sprawled on the ground, numb coldness envelopes her through the concrete floor that she has become so accustomed to. Few of her ribs are broken resulting in the difficulty to breathe. Something bursts from the back of her throat and the middle of her chest. A burning sensation that leaves her coughing, where the metallic taste envelops her mouth and a steady line of the red liquid runs down from her lower lip to the edge of her chin.

"Is that all?" His voice isn't taunting, it's what it demonstrates itself to be; a simple question, and she's glad because she doesn't know if she could handle something of that sort.

Despite them training for hours, he doesn't look remotely affected. Just a flimsy layer of sweat on his skin and a few long breaths. One would think that the man went out for a jogging routine.

Stamina is a common problem an Ukaku faces.

Here, Touka feels as if she's the only speedster.

She doesn't respond but inwardly lets out a groan and rolls slightly on the base in a failed effort to pick herself up. Moments later, one would find her being given a piggy bag ride by Yomo-san. He climbs the ladders as her legs juggling, swinging away and when the two are basking in the familiar light of the shop, he drops her off the nearest couch and comes back with a blanket and pillow. She lets out a grumbled, barely audible 'thanks' which Yomo-San acknowledges through a sharp nod and walks off.

"Start thinking," he tells her before disappearing.

Tch.

It's hilarious how easy she had supposed it to be. Goes without saying that she's regretting her choices, not being able to understand what drove her to ask Yomo-San to train her during May, with exams right around the corner. When she's not hitting the books, she's grinding her ass here. Getting thrown like a rag doll can be seriously demotivating besides being obviously painful. So she settles in for cursing her past naive, ignorant self. Something along the lines of 'Fuck you.  
What the hell were you thinking!? '

Touka sighs and shifts a little to be more comfortable. It's not as if she's the only one. Watching Kaneki train, brought out a sense of longing in mostly each member of Anteiku. Be it Irimi-san or Koma-san, there's this need to be not left behind. To be engaged in some sort of an activity that requires the use of a kagune. For their muscles to be stretched. Those two are just a bit better at hiding this, as well as maintaining their status as seniors. Kaneki might give them a really hard time, but experience tops raw power and determination, and despite having a lot of close calls, Kaneki has yet to beat them together.

_Her_? She's not even sure if she can last a second between the two.

So maybe it's just her that's struggling to not be left behind. Or to be a burden. She has never been one. And hopes, desperately that she'll be able to say that in the future. (_It gets difficult to do so when all she hears is the sound of her brother's voice, terming her as 'weak' thus declaring that she needs shelter and protection from the strong_.)

She's not weak.

What she (_wants to_) believe in is that strength comes in all shapes and sizes. Not unlike a kagune which can be improved, stored, taken and ripped apart. (She _winces_ slightly at the last one). Yet, it will always stay like a symbol of strength. Of power. Be it in a suitcase or sprouting out of someone's back.

Her strength lies in her…. Strength. Sure, she's no Owl, but she took down the gourmet when the two of them had been at the height of their power, having had eaten a bit of Kaneki 's flesh and as far as she knows, he tops somewhere as a strong ghoul in the CCG's radar.

And in her self-control or open-minded nature. She's ready and has accepted that all humans are not the same, and there are more than a few gems if she looks around. That's a huge leap from where she had been, like Ayato, considering them nothing except crooked pieces of shit that deserve to be in the deepest parts of hell (if there was a thing like that). Yes, it's a strength. Let anyone say otherwise.

And finally, there's the impending sense of doom. Because really, things have been great (more than that) for a while now and if she has learned anything from before, this is what one would call 'the calm before the storm'.

Before a catastrophe will inevitably strike, and leave her gasping for breath like before.

* * *

She wakes up gingerly when Touka feels a light pressure on her cheeks. It's a woman she hasn't met before, who sits on her knees and stares at her with big eyes. Had it been any other day, she would have jumped on her, a hand on her throat, a yell and there would have probably been a lot of blood.  
But this was not. Her muscles were still sore and Touka decided to 'think' before she acted.

"Who the hell are you supposed to be?"

For a minute something akin to disappointment flashes in the edges of her eyes, before they shine, and glint unnaturally and she smiles a crooked, cheshier like grin, her auburn hair bounces slightly when the woman whips upwards with a jerk and shoots two fingers, winking at her.

"Your new co-worker! Roma!

* * *

A few days pass by and Touka dons the cafe's uniform, cleans away the buck of broken plates and cups left behind by the 'new coworkers' hands. Roma is... very... Difficult and different. Her naïve-ness and enthusiasm (twice the amount compare to a certain dirty blond) is than mildly annoying. The woman is quick to apologize and Touka is quick to forget that Roma is actually older than her.

Her obsession with Kaneki doesn't help one bit.  
The guy has a fan girl despite being one himself (of books, but what difference does it make?). She doesn't know whether this should make her proud or envious. Being cheered during training, and having someone who tries their best to make you comfortable (though at first Roma fails miserable. Kaneki usually had no idea about how to handle such undivided attention) Roma, though, shows that it is nothing more than harmless and childish. Almost as if Kaneki got another Hinami, one who is a lot older and the least interested in books but rather in the way he can kick some serious ass.

Maybe that's why she only ever cracks a smile at their interactions. Where Kaneki tells her how to fight and Roma looks at him with apparent wonder.

Even Hide finds her a little interesting. More so when Touka compares the two of them. He jokes how there's a serious intellect hidden underneath all his goofy persona.  
And despite using this opportunity to tease him, she can't help but to agree (not that she'd ever voice her thoughts)

When the boy leaves, his words ring in her mind, a warning of sorts as the rest of the day goes on. Was he telling her to look beyond the facade that Roma has? Or is she reading too much into what could most likely be a simple passing comment. The thoughts bang against her skull at night and she lay tossing and turning, curling up within the safety of her covers.

Hide isn't the obnoxious friend anymore.

Nor is Roma just Roma.

Just like she isn't cautious anymore, her mind chips in, but only paranoid.

* * *

All and all, the next day starts relatively normal.

She gets up, throws herself into a dilemma about whether she should leave the sheets as they are or fix them, fumbles with her toothbrush and splashes water all over herself and the normal routine of getting ready for school with a cup of coffee.

She meets Yuriko at the gates and the girl initiates their usual idle chatter. Time passes and she sighs in relief Yuriko doesn't pressure her into eating her lunch. Just a simple ' Want it?' and a simple shake of her head. She got away with a single bite, which she later vomited. Her stomach rejoiced. Touka made up a believable excuse about her food making her sleepy. It was really not what she needed juggling exams and her part-time job. She had expected resistance and disappointment, not Yoriko agreeing and a little angry at her for not telling before.  
Of course, Touka had to prepare her stomach to eat a lot once the vacations start, the girl has warned.

Though, it felt weird, and she found her own self a little disappointed. She liked her friend worrying about her health, fussing over her with nothing but pure kindness and good intent, even though the method usually made things worse.

It's not like she has a father in US, calling her every day.

They part ways at a bridge, and Touka walks with a slightly slower pace, savoring the pleasant breeze that touches her skin. The bright city view, and the passing crowd. The ward is enshrouded by a sky in an egg yolk-ish color, as the sun slightly drops downwards in a lazy trance. Where birds sing and flap their wings. From afar, she can truly appreciate the magnificence of them, how they can reach so high and sour and tear apart the wind.  
She frowns.

It was a normal day until she pushed opened the cafe's door.

* * *

**So sorry for the late update. But you have to idea of difficult it has been for me the past few days. I literally had to drag myself to even post this. My only salvation were the amazing reviews you guys left. Thank you! and once again please enjoy and review! **


	10. Sticking Out

_Sticking out_

Under the sky, there' a single place where she can escape and breath and pretend that some days never happened and that some struggles will never come. It's ridiculous that she holds a time so perishable in such a high regard. Good things are not meant to stay. She is not a child who would take what she has for granted.(Fate is keen enough to remind her often)

Yet, time halts into a stand still when she slips on the uniform and smiles a smile that isn't that hard to fake and laughs a laugh that is the closest she has to something genuine. And feel just simple, pure, unadulterated peace.

Peace; finite.  
Even though her peace is shared with the kind that is the cause of her misery and her survival. The constant battle of being a predator and a prey and a monster and a prey, is hopelessly endless: infinite.

Her victims, her culprits.

They are collectively, too diverse for her to make sense of.

For example their instincts, refined to the finest point or simply nonexistent. How does this kind have bodies which are so..so easily tearable and fragile? Enough to make her fear the fact that she can easily break and twist them and leave them as an example of a gruesome work of art and a show of power. (That line of thought has been solely been preserved for Yuriko... And maybe a few more.)

Yet, she stills shivers when she thinks of the mad man who tried to take Hinami. The one who was too strong. The one who almost killed her.

Anteiku is, for her, paradise. Heaven. Something brought into existence through divine intervention.  
As such, it has its own forbidden fruit.

An old man and a boy casually chatting. Nothing is indifferent about them other than the case beside the man's leg and their casual pose that fails to hide the worn out look of a soldier, resting amidst a battlefield.

Roma shivers as she steps inside the cafe and mutters her name. Gripping the silver plat with both her hands. Distraught, frightened, scared. An act or the truth.

'Obvious, too much'? Touka mouths to her.

She whisks herself inside the staff room and throws her bag aside. There's no need to worry and there's no need to panic.

She isn't panicking.  
Honestly, surprisingly.

"Shitty Touka."

"Shitniki"

He's wearing casual clothes As far as her memory served her, his shift still had more than a few hours to finish.  
"Running away?" she questions, half heatedly.

"You wish, " he replies mildly in the same manner.

She shuffles with her cloths, untangling their joint locks with as much patience as she could muster.

She didn't remember tossing them in here like that.  
Most of the time she spends after training is a blur to her, anyway.

"I have somewhere to go with Kimi"  
Nishiki blurts out. "Would have gone even if these droves.. .." he rubs the back of his head and glances sideways, eyes cast down.

It must be important, Touka thinks, for both of them. She's an outsider. An observer of their lives, one who envies what they represent. There's no participation. There's no need for Nishiki to explain himself. No need for him to take her comment seriously. No need for her to say that it's not what she thinks.

With a jolt, she realizes what it means.  
With another, she finds out that she isn't really scared. What harm will adding one more person to her ever growing I-don't-care-for-you-but-it-will-be-painful-if-something-were-to-happen list.

Her uniform hangs on her arm, its weight is more lighter than before and the colours a bit brighter.

"Yeah I know, you sex obsessed four eyes"

Nishiki strides towards of the door, his head pops out from the side as it's barely open." What would you know, Mrs,Virgin Mary"

He closes the door before her hurled clothes can hit his face.

[xxxxxx]

She straightens her posture and walks with light steps as the dove signals for a waiter. The nip of the pencil digs in between the lines on the yellow paper and Touka glances at the suitcase and repeats in her head. They are customers. Nothing more and nothing less.

It works

Sort of.

"Have we met before?"

'Nope, we haven't. I don't exactly remember us fighting to death so thats somewhere between a lie and the truth'

Cakes and sweets and a simple cup of cappuccino. The boy eyes sparkle as she writes out each letter in her handy dandy notebook carefully lining each syllabus. He takes a big breath, his eyes twinkle and lose their innocence the next time he eyes her.  
Her insides scream.  
Her instincts urges her to run away.  
They say 'If you fight, you w i ll lose.'

For a frightening second, she wonders if he knew.

In the way a monster can sense the lesser demon.

Touka calms her features. Think of something good, she tells herself. Repeats in her head. Something which will inevitably make her heart melt and body relax just by the thought of it.

The spinning wheel stops at coffee. She's grateful when she thinks and smells it's taste. it calms her down, immensely.

The old man coughs." Ah.. Do you mind telling us where Kaneki Ken is?"

They're... looking for him? Is it possible that CCG some how made a connection between Riza and Kaneki?

She mentally groans at her stupidity.

Why else would they be looking for him.

"He has a late shift" she blurts out. The man sighs, his brows come together in a puzzled expression and looks at her again with a small smile.

"It's important. Can you call him?"

She can. But she won't. He's in helter sklter. Gathering info about ghouls. Riza. CCG. About You. .

She lets out a cough." I will try. But dont get your hopes up. He has an unruly habit of not picking up the phone"

Good? Was that good enough. The man nods at her, the smile still trudging at the corner of his lips. " That will be helpful. Thank you"

Touka's about to leave when his companion calls her out. She cant help but to be startled.  
His voice is... sweet. Sickeningly.

As the sound of the moving bell fades, the man looks up and eyes the boy, worried.

"Juuzo?"

'Juuzo' lifts up a casual finger showcasing the stitches that ran up to his arm that hide beneath the sleeves of his shirt. sticking out on his pale skin like the rotten nails on the tips of Kaneki's fingers. "You threw up."  
Wonderful.  
A human who has a nose worth that of a dog here in a coffee shop brimming with ghouls.

The man looks at her. But there''s a microscope of a difference in his contracted pupils that speaks with the same wariness that she shows in that slip second where she's deciding whether to fight or leave be. It is almost as if a part of his eyes is placed in a vile. Protected from the light. Protected from the good nature that he slowed her a second before.

He wants her to explain.

Like she has any thing to explain to him.

Don't panic.

Touka gives him a questioning look. 'So what?'  
The message gets across. Humans vomit too. The boy stares at her, a innocent grin craved on his face. As if shes a new toy he found to play. Touka grits her teeth.

A frim hand grips her shoulders. Digits dig in to her skin and she casts down her eyes. She'd recognize that pale skin any where.  
The ghostly hand. Missing its writhed and rotten black nails.  
"You should have called me, Touka"  
Kaneki says. His voice is sweet, concerned and his hair are black (a ghost from her memory. Her friend who she failed) and Touka is dumbfounded.

"Kaneki?'


	11. A Statement

**Well, this is embarrassing. Hi, how are you guys? Sorry, but life happened and it and school punched my free time in the face. I wanted to write, but I'm gonna save you the excuses and move on to the chapter! **  
**Hope you like it!  
**

* * *

Within all the people, all around the globe, lies the ability to mask the truth, to pretend.

It's an unspoken fact. You meet people who deserve to be handed an Oscar for their mind blowing pseudo personas enough to make one question all things known as intellect. Some are quick to draw it out. Others usually need a world changing force to utilize it.

Touka couldn't refine hers to its perfection. There has always been a missing ingredient. But there was a reason why she had been able to slip herself in the normalcy of her classmates. It was there, developing more tediously than she'd like. Hence, it wasn't too unusual for her classmates to be at the receiving end of her death stare, no matter how religiously Touka tried to control it.

Thank god, It wasn't enough to arose suspicion.

She wondered what they considered it to be, A different set of circumstances? Different shoes which had been woven and tired and torn apart?

Sometimes, she'd entertain herself with thoughts of changing hers. Changing what made her Touka. Then she'd remember, She had never been born with shoes to begin with.

She wasn't like Riza. Someone who'd take the useless piles of rubbish and make out of it things which were better than the ones anyone had. Hers was the ability to destroy. Not fix or mend to her liking.

She wanted to be like Riza, at times. Even though, her end was much awaited and predictable. Show off her trash to an extent that everyone gets the need to want a thing or two out of it. Walk with a sureness and a swag, attract her preys without lifting a finger (she wouldn't do that anymore, though. With Anteiku and Kaneki and Yuriko and even Hide. How could she ever harm someone who wasn't, intentionally asking for it?)

Then she'd remember what she felt when Riza got crushed under steel bars.

Good riddence, the world doesn't need another pretty face like her.

But evidently it wanted a lesser, somewhat acceptable version of her. Hence the world created Kaneki Ken.

Kaneki _seriously fucking_ Ken

Because Hell be damned, he was a _bloody_ good actor.

* * *

_Click_

_Click _

"Juuzo?"

He lets out a grin, but drops the spoon back to the table wordlessly at the older man's disapproving glance. Shinohara sighs, and faces him with a apologetic expression before he asks,

"CCG still strongly believes that Riza was a Ghoul."

"And I strongly believe that she wasn't. Shinohara-san, please consider what you are saying. If Riza, was truly a ghoul, then I was given a ghouls organ." Kaneki swirls the liquid in his cup and he speaks again when the cold glass touches his chin." That thought as unsettling as it as, is entirely impossible. I would have had some side effects, wouldn't I? And other than a new perception, nothing has changed." He lets the cup drop down to the table a bit more dramatically than he intended but it sends the desired message.

A statement

He gives the man the broadest smile he has made since coming back.

The man, in turn, gives him a confused look instead.

"I'm sorry Kaneki-kun, but if it isn't too much of a bother, I want you to tell me whatever details you can recall about the incident, Riza and especially Doctor Kanou." His voice seemed more like a request than an order. Shinohara pauses for a second, then adds as a consideration. "Just making sure. One last time"

Black hair brushes his temple when he eyes the woodwork of the table. How thought out.

How precise the working is.

Kaneki knew the man in front of him wasn't in any terms, ssomeone he'd hate. He had that kind and welcoming aura. A lone men set out to fix what he could, in the way he was best. Shinohara must have been the hero of so many stories.

Including the one of the boy who sat besides him.

But, he couldn't forget that the man was just as much as a villain of many other.

"Well, I will try to at the best of my ability." Kaneki pauses for a moment and caress his chin. "I think.. It went something like this..."

* * *

The tap drips the last drops of water. Kaneki walks out, rubbing the towel through the folds of his hair and it leaves a smudge of black on the white threads behind.

She points to the spot he missed and he thanks her before wiping the paint away. Th, as itatgoing to was stupid in her eyes, though, she thought, Why waste precious money on hair sprays every time he had to become (old) Kaneki rather than buying a bloody damn wig once and for all? "It's summer. The wig would have been too hot."

That was reasonable enough for her and she stirs back to the issue.

"Do you think they believed you?"

For a moment, Kaneki is silent, complementing. "No. Shinohara still isn't convinced. I would have had him, though, if it wasn't for that kid."

She remembers the dead silence and that boy's sharp, unsettling gaze.

" It was a close one, that kid... He's something else but... You did pretty good dodging the bullet with that one."

'Pretty good' was an understatement. It wasn't like that.

He was unruffled. So bloody charismatic and sly that he went right pass the radar. If it had been her, Shinohara would have opened his suitcase and the two would have been brawling out on the streets even now. Unless, one of them was already dead.

The white hair boy smiles, opening the door of the wardrobe. "Thank you, Touka-chan. You did great too. "

"All I did was hold a mask of indifference." Touka-chan replies. He moves the other side of the door and changes his shirt. Her eyes glance at the street from the window as if she's half expecting a CCG squad readying themselves before busting Anteiku's door. "Not anyone could have walked away without any sort of struggle after they have been accused of being within a ghoul base. An Aogiri's base much less."

Kaneki glances sideways. " I guess it was a win, then" he answers.

Touka chews with her lips for a second. Then she leans forward and grips the corners of one of his sleeves.

"Kaneki, you do know what this means though?"

He stares in her eyes, a sparkle of an emotion she can decrypt Before he nods and says. " Yeah. I do. We still have to do what I told you But"

"But?" She echoes and her voice muffles out at the end.

This is one of those moments, Touka thinks, when you know that everything you have been doing up to the point was just a slow transition, a steady graduation before the real deal kicks in and you know lethargically, that the mundane-ss has ended. It all is going to be a big black, rushing, adrenaline pumping blur from now onwards. Apparently, Kaneki knew it too if she guessed correctly, the reason why his eyes take on a darker shade than that she has seen for a while, as if more sorrowful because no matter how utterly slow paced life had been since the raid, since the restaurant for him, it was all them, everyone needed and wanted.

Peaceful Days.

A horrible, gut wrenching, unforgiving cold feeling told her that they were about to end.

"We have to work with urgency" Kaneki replies.

* * *

That's. .. Short. But it's a start so that counts for something. Review!


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